Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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