I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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