A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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