I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
