I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
