haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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