There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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