At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
