I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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