I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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