i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
