textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
