the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My penis needs a shock collar
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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