Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
