So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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