HIV tests are more positive than that guy
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
