Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
