Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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