Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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