My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Randomize
