i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
