I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
