Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
