I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
