I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
