just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
