plz talk dirty to me
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
