We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
