Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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