You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
