My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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