The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
