just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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