I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
