I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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