i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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