it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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