the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
