I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
