forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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