Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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