I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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