Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
