Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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