Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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