Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
