I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
