His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
