just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
