he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
